Adults may make mistakes or thoughtless decisions, but it's always the kids that suffer the most from those choices. This is particularly true in situations where a couple with children find that they cannot continue to live together and decide that divorce is the only answer.
When life together becomes unbearable, divorce is still not easy, even in the absence of children. It is harder still when children are in the picture. It is the parents' responsibility to lessen the painful effects of divorce on their children.
Children experience many emotional traumas when their parents go through divorce. They will feel anger towards everything including the situation, their mother, their father, and even themselves. Kids of a younger age tend to place blame on themselves as the cause of the divorce. While undergoing their own emotional trauma, parents must make it clear to the children that the divorce is not their fault.
In order to help their children realize the divorce is not their fault, parents must control their own emotional roller coasters. The kids might be worried about having to move, and might be scared to lose the surroundings and people they are used to, on top of their own family makeup as they are used to it being defined. The child's inability to concentrate in school affects their study habits and grades.
Many times the effects of divorce vary depending on the child’s gender. Young males will exert their feelings by channeling those feelings to aggression, hyperactivity, and using disruptive behavior. Substance abuse is much more likely to become a problem in boys. Girls, on the other hand, usually internalize their negative feeling and become withdrawn, depressed, and anxious. They are in danger of becoming sexually active at too young of an age.
Love and support is needed from the parents to provide stability for the children. Visitation should be encouraged with the non-custodial parent unless there is a legitimate fear that the child will be harmed. Throughout the first stages of the separation, this is vital. Research shows that, when parental involvement is restricted at the initial stage of the divorce, that parent's interest in the children declines.
Keep in mind, too, that you are dealing with children; they are not your pawns and you should never use them as spies or bargaining chips. The way the adults behave during a divorce will have an effect on the children, and that makes significant impacts on the ability of those children to have meaningful relationships when they reach adulthood.
Separation and divorce is a positive solution for some children who have endured a lot of conflict in the household. We are often surprised to find that the child devastated the most by a separation of his parents is a child in a house where there were not conflicts prior to the divorce. It is this type of devastating divorce case that has the highest odds of being avoided if the couple involved enters counseling.
A mediator, who is knowledgeable on divorce matters, should be considered to lessen the effects of legal proceedings on the children. It's important to choose attorneys that have both the heart and experience to facilitate an amicable divorce.
